Approximately 53 Million adults in the U.S. care for a spouse, elderly parent or relative, or special-needs child. If you have found yourself in a caregiving position, either nominated or voluntarily, you most likely had no idea what you were in for. Sometimes it sneaks up slowly. First, the person asks for rides to appointments or the grocery store. Or, they need a ride to their doctor’s appointment.
Invariably their needs escalate, either because of health decline or because you have become a convenient number to call. Now you are in it, committed without being aware of the slippery slope of being ‘that’ person. You could have been unwittingly nominated by proxy. Perhaps you are in the healthcare field and your family encouraged you to take on the role because of your experience. Maybe you are the parent or child of the one in need.
Maybe you have a hard time saying no, and everyone knows how easy it is to take advantage of your kindness. “Kathy will do it!”
Once you are in the position of being the one on call, it is challenging to back out. ‘It would seem unkind’ you think. ‘How hard can it be’, you lament. Eventually, tasks add up, requests increase, and before you know it, you are burned out. Resentment can set in. Where is everyone else you wonder? Why can’t someone else pick up the slack?
It is usually long after you have lost a healthy life balance, or your own health declines, that you can feel defeated, alone, and angry. If you try to recruit other family members, you may be met with resistance or lame excuses that add to the frustration.
To complicate things, the one in need could be deemed ‘difficult’ at the least, or personality disordered at worst. Seniors with dementia who have a history of complex or contentious relationships can develop behaviors that are so damaging that everyone bales, except you. And here you are at the end of your rope. What can you do?
1. Get respite help even if you need to pay for a caregiver. Your health and life may depend on it.
2. Get a professional health assessment from a case manager or home care agency to determine whether it is safe for your person to remain in their home and identify their actual needs. It could be that Assisted Living or other community living arrangements are a safer or more appropriate choice.
3. Give yourself the gift of self-care. Reconnect with your body from massage, acupuncture, spa days, or a mini-vacation. Integrating mind/body/soul practices goes a long way toward keeping a balance.
4. If needed, seek therapy or coaching to explore and share your feelings. Left unchecked, resentments, frustration, and anger can cause long-term damage to family relationships. Learn skills to communicate your feelings and express your needs for yourself and the family unit.
Diane Dennis is an RN, certified life coach, holds a certification in training and development, domestic violence advocacy, author, columnist, and writer. She has a YouTube channel dedicated to offering tips, hacks, advice, and guidance for those who are navigating health issues, have aging parents, or want to Age Well with grace to live their best lives. Email at dianedenimc@gmail.com.
Disclaimer: Recommendations and articles are not meant to be a replacement for seeking medical attention from your primary care practitioner. As an RN I am here to support, guide, and offer ideas and suggestions for living an optimum healthy and holistic lifestyle based on your current reality, including your health status, age, and level of functioning.