Doris and Jim have been married 32 years. They have shared the ups and downs life serves up. Currently Jim is extremely frustrated that Doris won’t comply with her doctor’s recommended diet for her health. As a result of her refusal, Doris needs home health care to provide dressing and wound care for swelling in her legs.
Because her weight impairs her mobility, she uses a walker. Even minor exertion leaves her short of breath. Jim is her primary caregiver and feels that if she would take better care of herself and follow doctor’s orders, she could be more independent.
Chronological age is an inadequate gauge of one’s functional age. Many couples begin life together with equal physical functions and abilities. In fact, shared interests and activities are often primary reasons for partnering up. Maybe they played tennis together, rode bikes, swam and hiked.
With the passing years, aging can shift the balance. One partner may develop limitations, leaving the more physically active partner without a playmate for shared activities.
Factors that contribute to diminished functional age include:
- Chronic conditions (which can often be prevented or managed), such as asthma, heart disease, stroke, diabetes or arthritis.
- Illness, pain, discomfort, distress, viruses.
- Diseases such as cancer or HIV.
What are your rights vs your responsibilities as a partner? Are you responsible to be accountable for caring for your own health, or is it your right to decide whether to take care of physical problems?
As a RN I have seen countless partners frustrated and resentful when one person in the relationship ignores or stubbornly denies a health problem or refuses to seek care.
If one is hard of hearing, for example, and refuses to seek medical care, it affects the couple’s ability to communicate effectively. Is the hearing-impaired person responsible to get hearing aids so conversations can resume normally?
If a partner has type 2 diabetes and a healthcare practitioner has determined it can be reversed by diet, is the person responsible to make recommended dietary changes? Type 2 diabetes left untreated leads to hypertension, kidney disorders, circulatory problems and potential infections and inflammations.
Many senior partners live in silent frustration and anxious resignation. This often leads to resentment. One person’s health issue becomes a relationship issue when a treatable condition is left untreated.
With all long-term relationships, it is essential to consider the impact of health changes on the partnership. If there are solvable problems, or points of contention, openly discussing and searching for solutions goes a long way in supporting emotional intimacy rather than resentments.
Diane Dennis RN is a Geriatric Case Manager dedicated to helping seniors live their best lives. She focuses on holistic health, dignity, safety and comfort in seniors’ daily lives.
Article originally posted in 50 Plus Magazine